Graduation

I was so ready for this day! Not only did it mark the end of a long journey through school, but this also marked the time that Gentry and my living apart would end. No longer a "weekend wife," I was so grateful to finally reach this point! 

When I imagined graduating from college this was definitely not the way I pictured getting there, but in the end, all that mattered what that I was here, I did it, and I had my friends and family around to support me. 

Here are some pictures from that day: 

 Bachelor of Science in Athletic Training & Exercise Science = accomplished!

Littlest Brother's Baptism

In March 2014 my youngest brother, Samuel, chose to be baptized into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Gentry and I were lucky enough to go and enjoy the baptism and have some family time after. 

Samuel and a few of his friends

Only missing Elder Jameson from this one. 

Congratulations to Samuel on this important decision to join the LDS church. It may seem like a small decision now, but it will become even more consequential as time goes on. 

Reviewing the pain and the happiness

While I'd love to forget this section of time, I realize how important it is to document these months.
During this time, Gentry and I were still living apart, making the time to see each other every weekend. 

As I look back at some journal entries from that time, I can feel how much pain there was from not being able to be with my eternal companion. Now that it's passed, it seems like the small blip of life that everyone told us it would be, but I never could quite believe until it was over. It was the longest year of my life, and while I continued to tell myself that I'd try and be as happy as I could be throughout the week and live life to the fullest, it just wasn't the same. 

I found myself yearning for those weekends when I could hold him and feel complete again. I'm sure it all sounds cheesy, and while I do believe that we are still individuals, there is something to being married. It's becoming a whole person, when you didn't realize that only half was there beforehand. And to have to strip that away every Sunday night by saying goodbye for another week was nothing short of torture. 

I have a great friend who I was telling some of my woes to, and she made a great point that's stuck with me. I was feeling guilty for saying how hard Gentry's and my separation was, because I know there's army wives and other families that have to live apart for much longer times and don't have the blessing of seeing each other every weekend. How could my experience even compare, when I had an ending in sight, and I knew I'd see my husband every Friday? She told me: "Yes, but you also didn't sign up for that. This wasn't something you foresaw and accepted. And it's okay." 

Have you ever noticed how sometimes all you need is for someone to just say it's okay? That your justified in your feelings, no matter how irrational that may be? In that moment it was exactly what I needed to hear, and I was grateful for it.  

And to be honest? I was terrified of what it would do to our marriage to be apart for that long. How many fights would occur because all we had was a phone conversation at the end of the day? How much communication would be lost because we couldn't see and read each other's body language? How much would our relationship lose as we changed? Because the growing was inevitable, would we grow together, or grow apart? 

While the challenges that came from being apart did come, and the struggle of being alone was indescribable, I can now look back and see how much our marriage grew from that time. I learned to appreciate the small things. So often on our weekends together, we would end up doing nothing but laying around the house, holding one another, simply because we could. There was no need to go do something; all we needed was each other. And it made me realize just how significant marriage and our eternal family is. Because even if it was just us two, we still are a family. 

I say it often, and I will never stop saying it: Gentry is my everything. He increases my understanding tenfold, and while yes, I could go on and be a good person on my own, by having him at my side, loving and supporting me no matter the circumstance, I know that I can someday become a great person. Naturally I am not there yet, but with him? I'm closer than I've ever been. 

And...we're back

I look back on this blog, and it's hard to believe how long it's been since I've written. For so long I was uninterested in telling our story, that it wasn't important to anyone. (Along with this I didn't try and write many journal entries either.) I didn't think we had anything going on in our lives that was worth mentioning.

But I've come to realize that our lives - Gentry and mine - as the Gasser family, we do matter. And as I attempt to review our past year and a half and what we have to look forward to in the future, I hope you enjoy what I have to say and what we have learned.

What I Know

As I was reading and listening to Conference talks tonight, I was especially impressed with M. Russell Ballard's talk on member missionary work. I've heard talks about this topic for years, and I have usually brushed them by. But this one I actually chose to listen to, and it stuck with me.
I have always had the idea in my head that member missionary work consisted of meeting a new neighbor and being nice to them with the end goal of getting them to become members of the Church. Isn't that the point? But while listening to Elder Ballard's talk, I had the impression: they don't need to join. They just need to understand that Mormons are good people, and they need to feel your love for them. They will come to a better understanding in their own time. Ironically, right after I had this revelation, the next part of Elder Ballard's talk stated:
"Just be positive, and those whom you speak with will feel your love. They will never forget that feeling, though the timing may not be right for them to embrace the gospel. That too may change in the future when their circumstances change."
How much sense that made! Just be friendly! Suddenly member missionary work isn't near as daunting as it once seemed.
Lately I have been feeling like I've needed to do more as a member of the Church. With the way my life is right now it's hard to find time to talk to people at all, let alone try and serve others. I have always had this fear of sharing what I believe online or on social media, worried that I'd lose friends and that I didn't want to offend anyone. But I've decided that I need to let go of that fear, and to start, I'm going to share my testimony here on my blog.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church on the earth today. I know, not because I've been raised a member my whole life, or because of the culture I've been surrounded by because of where I live, but because I have asked, pondered, and prayed to know for myself what is true. I have received my own answers to prayers, and cannot deny what I have felt.
I know that God is real, and that we are each His children. I am His daughter, and he reminds me daily of how much He loves me. He sent us all here to let us choose for ourselves what kind of eternity we want. But He didn't leave us here without help. He literally has given us every tool needed to make it back to Him and to have eternal happiness. The best part? We will mess up. We aren't perfect. And it doesn't matter. We can be forgiven for every mistake we have made; we simply have to put in the work. This is what the Atonement is for. The way the Lord can help us rid ourselves of every wrong decision; of every moment where we have experienced sorrow, pain or suffering. I have used this power myself, because in my life I have made many a wrong turn. But through the Atonement I am clean. I am guiltless. And I am happy.
I know that because of the Lord, I am who I am today. He is the reason I am married to the one man I was meant to be with for eternity, because with him I have the ability to experience true joy and happiness.
Knowing what I know does not mean that  my life is easy. In many ways, my life is harder for choosing to follow the gospel. But I know the difference between choosing the things of God and choosing the things of the world, and my life becomes significantly better when I choose what I know to be true.

New Understanding

This past weekend was like a break in reality for me. Gentry came home and we ended up spending the weekend with his parents in Delta relaxing and playing with their new puppy. I think because the weekend was so nice it made it harder to say goodbye to Gentry again for another week. I was not ready to come back to reality, knowing I had tests, quizzes, other assignments and work waiting for me. Needless to say, it was a rough trip home, and I was a mess all Sunday night.
My poor husband is the best, he was so patient to listen to me cry hysterically over the phone and go on and on about how stressed and frustrated I was with everything. Trying to finish school, being away from him, finding a place to live next year when I move up north with him, etc. He lovingly reminded me that it will all work out, and told me it would all be okay. I was so ready to give up on Sunday, you wouldn't believe it. I was at the point that I didn't want to ask Heavenly Father for help or comfort, I just wanted to be depressed and unhappy.
One of the things that frustrated me most was that I was having a meltdown... again! I think I've clearly had enough meltdowns in the past 3 months that I should be able to work through things without crying myself to sleep. Well, after I got up Monday morning I came to the realization: hard days are going to come. It doesn't matter how many you've had before, or how much you think you may have worked through an issue, they will still come. All you can do is try and ride the waves, and ask the Lord to help you get through as best as you can.
It will never be easy to say goodbye to Gentry. Every Sunday night my heart breaks when I know I won't get to see his face until the next Friday. And this isn't a trial that will be solved right away, this will continue until May when I'm handed that red degree folder from SUU and say goodbye to Cedar City. But I do know that somehow, the Lord will help us through this, He understands what we're going through, and He has a very good reason for why things are the way they are. Do I know that reason yet? No. I know parts, but not the main reason why Gentry and I have to be apart. I don't think I'll fully know until after it's over. And so for now, I'll keep trusting in the Lord, and looking forward to my weekends when I get to enjoy every second with this incredible eternal companion of mine.

Hard Days, but trying to Stay Strong

If anyone has not seen or heard of Al Fox (now Carraway, she's recently married) look her up on Youtube. She's what's being called now the "Tattooed Mormon", and she blogs and creates videos about her experiences and what she's learned being a member of the church. I've seen the majority of her videos, but I recently felt prompted to watch this one again; it's titled "Stay Strong: a parable". It was exactly what I needed on a hard night at work when I was especially missing Gentry. Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways to show how He is working in our lives, whether or not we want to acknowledge it at the time.

The past couple weeks have especially been hard trying to juggle working full time, school full time, and clinical hours that take up the majority of the afternoons. And then weekends are filled with spending the few precious days I get to spend with my hubby. I have struggled especially lately trying to understand the point of it all; surely the Lord wouldn't want me to be this unhappy? What could I possibly be gaining, because my degree, that makes only seeing my eternal companion two days a week, if that?
Last week I finally broke down and was asking (more like screaming) at Heavenly Father asking: Why??? I need to know why I'm doing this, otherwise I don't think I can keep going!
Slowly through working on my patience and having the Lord help me, I am starting to understand the reasons Gentry's and my life is the way it is. And to remember that this is not permanent. This year in looking back, will only seem like a blink of an eye in comparison to eternity. Right now I still feel like the weeks drag, and they aren't moving fast enough (28 more weeks until May) but it will end. And I am also discovering that while this situation is difficult, it is a lot easier with the Lord's hand in yours. Seems like common knowledge, but for the stubborn imperfect person that I am, it's something I needed to learn again.
The Lord never leaves us; we are the ones who walk away from Him. The best part? He always accepts us back, and He will always forgive us. As much as I like to be independent, I learn a lot that I cannot do this alone. Or anything for that matter. I'm so grateful for the Lord's influence in mine and Gentry's life, for the answered prayers, spoken or not, and granting the desires of our hearts.